The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a Global Player original podcast. 00:06 Oh, I've got a good one for you this time. It was 2022. I was having a tooth out. A cartoon was making people angry and a celestial object was in a near miss with us. Bill emails, would it be too much to suggest that you allow your tooth to be removed from your person and then sell it online to the highest bidder, thereby covering all costs incurred? That's a good idea, Bill. 00:29 Any offers? 00:32 No. 00:36 Andy says, I hit Bodger who's off to Eastern Europe to phone Vlad the Insaner. Anyone told him that phones have come a long way and he could call from here? Yeah, hey, Bodger, got some good news. 00:48 No, he's all revved up and ready to go. Yeah, off he goes. 00:56 It's exhausting, isn't it? 00:59 I want to talk about a cartoon later. 01:02 because people apparently have got very, very angry about a cartoon. Now, I know where your mind just drifted, because mine did there too. It's nothing to do with religion. 01:13 It's a different kind of cartoon. People are very angry about a cartoon. 01:20 I do believe the word woke is featured in this story. 01:24 Right, so what are we doing? 01:27 Given we are doing a radio show, but it does remind me that I do a podcast with Carol McGiffin. Yeah. In which the delightful Carol McGiffin and I try to solve people's problems while laughing like drains. It's the most fun in one hour that I have in any given week. I mean, we just laugh our faces off. 01:46 Not necessarily at people's problems, just, you know, with our own company. We delight at each other. 01:52 Little bit of a tickle, eh, Gibbon? 01:56 If you want us to have a bash at your issues, send it to this address, nickandcarol at global.com. N-I-C-K-A-N-D-C-A-R-O-L at global.com. And prepare for total satisfaction. 02:08 And the name of the podcast? 02:10 What's your problem with Nick and Carol? Ask for it by name on an internet near you. What's your problem with Nick and Carol? I think you'll be delighted. 02:22 Blackburn. Hello, Paul. 02:24 Hello, Nick. I think I've found a use for Boris Johnson's number ten parties. 02:30 Number ten parties? 02:31 Yes. 02:32 Whether or not they existed. 02:33 What about inviting Mr Putin, Mr Biden, that chap in Ukraine, Volensky, and Stoltenberg, and all the rest, and have a really good, you know, drinking party, and by the time they're drunk, they'll forget what they're even arguing about, won't they? I mean, it could save world peace. 02:54 It could save world peace? Or create world peace? 02:57 Well, it could save world peace at the moment. Well, we've not got world peace, but... Yeah, we could maintain world peace. We're not in a too bad state. 03:06 Having a party! 03:07 Yeah, let them all have a party. 03:09 Right, OK. Good thinking, Paul. 03:11 Excellent work, that man. 03:13 Why can't people just get along? 03:16 Marion texts, Northern Exposure was the best TV show ever. Well, I've never seen Northern Exposure, Marion, but it doesn't prevent me from having a strong opinion. 03:25 That it isn't. 03:28 But thanks for playing... 03:30 Chris says... Emergency... 03:56 Everybody to get from street. Emergency. Everybody to get from street. 04:02 South Norwood. Hello, Philip. 04:03 Oh, good evening, Nick. Philip. I've been wondering, Nick, how many MPs will be taking part this weekend in the Big Garden Bird Watch? 04:14 Oh, this weekend is the Big Garden Bird Watch, is it? Yes. Watching for birds. 04:18 I wonder if any MPs, maybe Boris will be in his back garden looking up into the trees to see what birds are up there. 04:27 No, I think he's off to get further instructions from Vladimir Putin. 04:32 I mean, what sort of birds have you got in your garden, Nick? 04:37 Tweety birds. 04:39 Well, I mean, I've got in front of me today in the iPaper, they had the twenty birds to spot in your garden. 04:47 Yeah. 04:47 Blue tits, great tits, coloured dubs. The one that I see a lot of, Nick, are crows. 04:55 Well, yeah. But they don't really count as a bird, though. 04:58 Oh, yes, they do. Yeah. I mean, do you know what? Down there's a station near me, and there's a country park nearby, and they come down, there's about 20 to 24 of them, and they all cover the station all over the Orleans. 05:14 It's a murder of crows. 05:16 Oh, yes, that's what they call it, don't they? I've forgotten all about that, you know. But it's interesting because... 05:21 There's nothing nice about them. I don't like their call. I don't like that sort of malevolent gait that they have hopping about on the ground. I just don't like the look of them. And they taste awful. 05:31 What about magpies? We get a lot of those as well. 05:34 Magpies. 05:35 The collared ones. 05:36 We don't like magpies. 05:39 Oh, dear, you're not a bird person. 05:41 No, I'm a bird person, but I don't like magpies. Aren't they the ones that chuck other birds' eggs out the nest? 05:47 I don't know. I'll have to go into details. You had an email saying about the... that they remember, you know, years ago. And I remember when Cuba was on the agenda. 06:01 Cuba? 06:02 Yeah, was it Khrushchev was going to go out there and have missiles and goodness knows whales... 06:09 I thought it was the Gibson brothers. 06:13 Oh, the Gibson. No, I don't remember them. But, yeah, I think it was the... Yeah, because wasn't it the Cuban Missile Crisis? 06:21 Was that Kennedy? 06:22 Yeah, it was probably his fault, yeah. 06:24 Probably Kennedy. 06:25 Get Kennedy on the phone right now. I mean it. 06:28 Pardon? He's got a lot of explaining to do. Who, me? He's not picking up? Well, keep trying. 06:35 Hello? Because the Suez Canal was another one that caused a lot of problems. 06:40 What is this, a history lesson? Just randomly picking dates from the past? 06:44 Oh, no, you're talking about the people today. 06:47 Oh, I see. It's my fault. 06:49 Well, no, not really. Nothing's your fault, Nick, really. Anyway, I just thought I'd mention about the birds. I'd better go out. I think there's an owl sitting on my tree. 06:56 OK, well, don't take any nonsense from an owl sitting on your tree. Bye-bye. Nice to talk to you. Cheers, Philip. 07:05 for whatever that was Keith texts I love Boris he makes me feel talented Phil tweets did you watch question time last Thursday night no no I do not watch question time there was a woman on there saying leave Boris alone he's doing his best oh get lost no there was not was there really oh for crying out loud where do they get these people Leave him alone. He's doing his best. Waving their little flag. 07:36 We love you, Boris. 07:38 We can't afford to heat and eat and we've got no prospects and money is draining out of our accounts and the inflation is through the roof and we ain't got no job, we ain't got no prospects, we ain't got no future. But he's doing his best. Oh, look at him. Isn't he lovely? 07:55 God, it's vomitous. 07:57 LAUGHTER 08:03 Yeah, I know. I shouldn't sit on the fence like that. I should just tell you what I think. 08:09 Bro tweets. Yeah, bro. Yo, bro. He says Putin. I love the way that Americans say Putin. Putin. 08:17 Like they're spitting out chewing tobacco. Putin. 08:23 Putin not attacking Ukraine as waiting more military gifts from US and NATO, which he will get without fight like happened in Afghanistan. 08:34 Okay. 08:36 Does that make sense? No. 08:38 Some of it does. I mean, I recognise all of the words that you've used there, bro, but not in the order in which you've used them. 08:46 Robert emails, I think that unpredictable orange buffoon needs to get back in the White House to scare the bejesus out of Vlad. That'll make him back off. 08:55 I don't think that Vlad was concerned about the orange buffoon at all. 09:01 I think he had plenty enough material to keep the orange buffoon in his place. 09:07 Oh, shut up! 09:08 Yes, whatever your name is. Donald. God, how quickly we forget. 09:15 Donnie. It's so long since I've talked about him, really, at length, that I forget all the names I used to call him. 09:25 I think I used to have them on a piece of paper. 09:27 I wonder if it's still here. Wouldn't that be a delight? 09:34 One moment, please. 09:38 Aha! 09:40 The Baby Tornado. 09:42 That's a good one. Excuse me. Donito Mussolini. 09:47 Trumple Thinskin. 09:50 The Screaming Mimi. 09:52 Or the tangerine scream. A president. Can you believe it? How about ancient orange? Don't be rude. 10:02 Jaffa the gut. 10:05 Jesus Trump superstar. The powder puff president. Or the peach powder puff president. 10:15 Agolf Twitler. That's my second favorite. 10:24 Agolf Twitler. 10:27 Or Hairspray Haystack. You don't need to put all of that product in your hair. You just don't. No, that is actually true. That is factually accurate. Are you listening, Keir Starmer? 10:43 I want to talk about a cartoon. I know I said this all last night and I didn't get around to it because we were talking about the issues. 10:49 But I want to talk about a cartoon that's making people very, very angry. I want to talk about Fishy Sunak. 10:56 I want to talk about Tom Tugendhat. 11:03 Oh, and the cost of a bong. Have you had to pay for a bong lately? 11:10 It's gone through the roof. You wouldn't believe it. 11:14 But first, some of these very, very important emails and texts and tweets and such. 11:20 Tom emails, as the clocks go forward at the end of March... Is it really the end of March? 11:25 No way. Is it really the end of March that they go forward? Is that true? 11:28 That's my glamorous assistant? Is it true? What? 11:36 You see, this is what I've got to put up with. 11:38 This is the level of assistance that I'm getting on this super show. It's amazing that it's such a hit... 11:46 There's actually no way to find that out. We'll only know when it happens to us, Tom. 11:52 There's no point in trying to look it up because no such information exists. 11:56 Tom emails, as the clocks go forward at the end of March, that's one hour less we'll have to wait for the Sue Gray report. Well, that's just a good point. 12:05 I don't believe there is any such person as Sue Gray. I think they made her up. 12:12 Mike emails, just as you predicted, Boris follows Trump going to see Putin. It will be the same result coming out with his tail between his legs, looking like a five-year-old, is that his legs slapped. Are you joking? 12:24 What does the are you joking part in the end mean? I mean, I am joking about almost everything that I say, but that's, you know, beside the point. 12:32 He's going to slap your legs, Bodge. 12:36 They'll still be wobbling about two weeks later. 12:43 Right, so what are we doing? There's a big comet in the sky with green and blue flames. Wow. That sounds great. Don't look up, people. Do not look up. 12:54 That's just what the government wants you to do. Don't look up. 12:59 It came out of nowhere? 13:03 Didn't someone see it coming? Are you kidding me? 13:09 Just missed us by a couple of three feet. 13:14 Susan emails... Now, get ready and grip onto something firm, because you're probably not going to like this. 13:20 Susan emails... With the whataboutery... 13:44 Yeah, but what about this and what about that? 13:49 Yeah, OK, Jack the Ripper killed a lot of people, but what about Hillary's emails? 13:57 Are you out of your mind, Susan? 13:59 He's doing his best. Well, if he is actually, if this is him doing his best, then we're in bigger trouble than I thought. 14:08 What about Labour? What about Labour? Labour are not running the country, Susan. And there's precious little chance of them ever doing so again. 14:19 What with the various shenanigans that this regime is going to engage in in order to stop people who vote for anything other than the Conservative Party from putting their vote in. 14:31 Photo ID, that's what that's about. There'll be all sorts of redrawing of the map to eliminate the possibility of the Conservative Party ever losing power. It's like a coup. 14:44 Who's scrutinising them? Well, every offshore billionaire right-wing press baron, which is all of them. 14:54 In my honest opinion, I think Boris is trying his best. I can't see what he's done wrong, says Susan. Susan, if you were on the phone right now, I'd ask you what you did for a living. 15:05 And before you answered, I'd say, please do not say teacher. 15:10 I bet she's a teacher. We're doomed. We're doomed. 15:16 Martin emails, can I ask your audience, did they not see this car crash coming from afar? That buffoon we see on TV to the London mayor on the zip wire, the bus lie. Somehow it becomes PM at the worst possible moment. And here we have a scandal, 150,000 preventable deaths, billions gone missing. Who'd have thunk it? 15:37 We in Scotland have seen it coming, but hopefully we can escape this dystopian nightmare, says Martin. 15:43 No, we're going to drag you down with us. 15:51 It's the patriotic way. 15:54 Oh, no, no, I can't. I can't bear it. 15:59 Villis emails, I think Bojo should invite Putin to a party. Putin likes war, no parties. 16:06 Oh, Putin just likes war, no parties. Well, you don't know that. 16:09 I bet he's a party animal. 16:13 Can you imagine Rootin' Tootin' dancing? No. No, not really. 16:19 I can imagine him shutting down a dance. 16:22 Let's have York. Hello, Jan. Hello, Nick. How are you? I'm great, mate. 16:29 Good. I've got a question for you. 16:32 About your books. 16:33 Yes, what's your query, dearie? 16:36 Have you ever thought about recording them for audiobooks? 16:40 People do ask me this on a regular basis, and my answer is no. 16:45 And furthermore... No, no, no, no, no. Way too much work. 16:50 I mean, it would take forever. 16:53 No, surely not. 16:55 You could do one to start with and just give it a try. Can you not read? 17:00 Yes. 17:01 I mean, is it too much effort to move your eyeballs from left to right, over and over again? 17:06 No, no, no, no. I have read them, but... 17:11 If they're on audiobooks, you can listen. 17:14 Well, it would be good, because you can listen to them while you're doing something else. 17:18 Well, I tell you what, Jan, why don't I come over and I'll do the washing up while I'm there? 17:22 That would be great, yeah. No, but seriously, I think it would be a good idea. 17:30 And if a lot of people have asked you, surely that proves it. 17:34 Well, I suppose so. 17:36 I mean, I haven't written like a book book in a while. I put my comments about the last year, you know, in the most recent one, which is called The Ups and Downs, The Cheese and Wine of 2021. I did sort of as I went along. Yeah. 17:56 commentary of some of the weirdest things that happened during the months of last year. And then at the end of the thing, it's the A to Z, which we did over Christmas. 18:04 And I couldn't read that. I mean, I could read the bit at the beginning, but not the A to Z part, because that would be tedious. 18:12 I was thinking about the other ones, you know. 18:14 Right. 18:15 Yeah. 18:17 Well, I will come over, Jan, and read them to you personally while being your local char person. My washer up. Exactly. Put the kettle on and I'll be right round. 18:30 Right. All right. 18:32 And another thing. 18:34 Yeah, one more question. Yes. 18:37 Some of your books are only available... as e-books, aren't they? Perhaps. I wonder why they weren't available as paperbacks. 18:44 Well, I was... When I started doing it, I can't remember how many I've got now. It's like half a dozen or something. Something like that. 18:51 I think they're about nine, I think. 18:53 Are they? 18:54 Including the A to Z. 18:56 Right. Yeah. Well, when I first started, I didn't think that anybody would want the paperback. Oh, right. But actually, more paperbacks get sold than e-books. People must absolutely hate trees. 19:08 Well... 19:10 I prefer paperbacks, yeah. 19:12 Yeah. It's like CDs. 19:16 It's more satisfying. Yeah, I agree with you. 19:18 It's like CDs, isn't it? 19:20 I was talking to Karen McGiffin about this on our Superstore Away podcast. It's like a newspaper is a much more satisfying thing to read than reading the same thing online because online there is no end. It goes on forever. You get no sense of completion. 19:37 It's tense online. You don't really... 19:41 experience the tension until you think about it you don't know that you're tense but there is a tension because there is no you don't know where the end is there is no end but with a newspaper you have a physical product in your hand and once you've got to the last story on the last page there is no more you can put it down you've done it you get a sense of completion of of satisfaction oh So we will miss paper newspapers when they're gone, because reading it online on a screen, not the same. 20:13 It's just not the same, yeah. I quite agree with you. 20:15 All right, well, thanks for those questions, Jan. 20:18 Thank you. No, thank you. Come round and do the washing up, and I'll put the kettle on. 20:23 Okay, I certainly will. But you have to provide the penny. 20:27 Oh? No, I haven't got one. 20:29 I'm not bringing my own penny. I'll get one for you. That's my line in the sand. All right, thanks a lot, Jan. 20:34 Cheers, my dear. 0345 6060 973. Mark texts, Sopranos, question mark, and then a laughing emoji. That emoji is laughing so much, it's actually crying. 20:50 He says, one is Breaking Bad, two is Game of Thrones, three is Walking Dead, four is Dexter, five is Vikings, Sopranos doesn't even make the top five. Mark, I mean this in the kindest and most supportive way possible. You're an idiot. 21:05 Croydon. Hello, Phil. 21:07 Hello, Nick. Phil. 21:10 Hi. How are you? Yes, good, thanks. 21:12 You're good. I've just worked out, and it's become quite apparent why Boris wants to go to Ukraine. 21:19 He's just running away, which is his thing. 21:21 No, no, he just wants to go to a less hostile environment than the House of Commons. 21:25 Yeah, he wants to stand in a battlefield where he'll feel safer. 21:30 Yeah, they'll have a tank pointing down his nostrils. Hmm. 21:34 Yeah, that's all I've got to say. OK, well, it sounds like you said it. Excellent work there, Phil. There you are. You see, he came and he delivered and he went. 21:42 He knew when his time was up and left accordingly. Bye-bye. Excellent work. 21:49 Dot text. Can someone tell Boris not to dress as a Russian tank commander? He can't help himself. 21:56 always with the dressing up box putting on other people's work clothes in order that his state funded as in you're paying for them his state funded photographers can try to find his good side have they found one yet no any side at all his backside as he's leaving not not his actual backside disgusting i mean the side of him that is his back Joe Tech, speaking of Grimsby, Skegness is worse. 22:27 Speaking of Grimsby, Skegness is worse, says Joe. I'm working there. It's grim. Grim in Skegness. Skeggy. 22:40 Skegness. Skegness is by the seaside, isn't it? Hasn't it got that big hotel, the Grand? Or no, I'm thinking of Scarborough. 22:48 Yeah, Skegness and Scarborough, they begin with the same letter right now. 22:53 So they may be the same place. I'll look into it. Leave it with me. 22:58 We only deal with the facts on this show. 23:01 Pimlico, hello, Alex. 23:04 Hi, Nick, how are you? Good, thanks. Okay, I would like, you know, you mentioned about he's always doing his own best. I would like to give you a very quick four-point, what he does his own best. Number one is cover up his own, you know, Owen Pattinson scandal. He's doing his own best. And number two is sleeping in front of the bulldozer and at the same time he ran away to Afghanistan, his own best. 23:30 Vesting taxpayer money on Garden Bridge, he's doing his own best. And the best things he can do, open his own circus. He can do his own best. 23:40 Own best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. He said it very well. 23:45 This is what was my top point. This is absolutely misleading public and the people say he's doing his own best. These people are honestly morally corrupt. Absolutely morally corrupt. They have no clue about this scandal. Now, internationally, if everybody's looking for British politics, everybody is shameful, honestly. Who is going to listen to this clown? 24:07 Right. I want their names. I want the names of the people who voted in this clown. 24:11 Quite right, too. He's very, very angry. What do you think about that, Bodge? 24:14 I think he's betraying a quite stupefying ignorance. 24:18 Stupefying ignorance there, Alex. That's the verdict. But good effort. Thanks for that. 24:24 Jeremy tweets, do-gooders has always been a derogatory term. How? 24:30 What kind of a people are we that we think that somebody who does good is a bad person, is somebody to be discouraged? 24:41 And the very same people that will say that then claim to be guided by their faith. 24:46 Those religious phonies. There's loads of them. 24:51 Many of them are in the cabinet. 24:55 You look at their voting record and they vote for the rich to maintain their grip on their wealth and against helping those in need of assistance. You know, just like Jesus would. 25:08 guided by their faith. They use religion as a weapon, is what they do. 25:14 Phonies, each and every one of them. That's my religious belief. 25:23 You're not criticising me for my religious belief, are you? 25:25 Oh, well, thank God for that. 25:31 Yes, hello. I've been waiting for you. Hello. Yes, I certainly have been waiting for this call from Eastbourne, lovely downtown Eastbourne. Hello, Robert. 25:41 Good evening, Nick. How are you tonight? Yes, good, thanks. 25:44 OK. Boris Johnson, on his way to the Ukraine soon. 25:50 Hasn't he ever taken a history lesson? 25:55 Yeah, but ancient history, like ancient Greek history. 25:58 Well, 20th century history. Berry stories. Berry stories is what he learned about. 26:05 Someone should warn him that you don't poke the bear. Right. Because the bear is liable to wallop you. 26:13 The bear is liable to withdraw its financing. 26:19 Well, I think he's... I think he's... What? What? 26:24 He'd be cooking up a lot of trouble for himself. 26:28 No, he's fleeing trouble, is what he's doing. He's going to Ukraine because it happens to be in the news. He just asked somebody, his assistant, where can I go straight away that won't make it look like I'm running away? 26:44 But Nick, he's antagonising the bear. You don't antagonise the Russian bear. 26:49 He's not going to do anything of the sort. He's not going to say a boo to Vladimir Putin because this country is up to its eyeballs in Russian money. 26:57 It's true. True. Yes, true. True. All that dirty money going through London. Yeah, huge amounts. 27:05 Yeah. OK. Well, thanks very much. 27:08 OK, thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you. 27:12 Experts have warned that Boris Johnson's administration is more corrupt than any UK government since the Second World War. 27:22 Anything to say in your defence, Bodger? Peppa Pig World. Peppa Pig World is... It has... Yes. Peppa Pig? Ah, the old Peppa Pig distraction. Do you want to make a noise like a car? Maybe that'll take our mind off it. No, still thinking of it. 27:40 Researchers at Sussex University's Centre for the Study of Corruption, which is an actual thing apparently, they warned that the absolute failure of integrity at number 10 could have potentially serious consequences for the UK if allowed to fester. 27:55 I'm going to call Bodger that from now on. Uncle Fester. 28:02 I actually like the sound of that. Who's with me? 28:06 He's Uncle Fester from now on. 28:09 Unless I forget and accidentally call him Bodge. 28:13 We can call him both. 28:16 Robert Barrington, professor of anti-corruption practice at the Centre for the Study of Corruption in the University of Sussex said, There is more corruption and corruption risk in and around this government than any UK government since the Second World War. 28:31 The PM has direct influence on this through personal example and through what he allows among his ministers and No. 10 staff. 28:41 There has been an absolute failure of integrity at No. 10, which has consequences for democracy and Britain's global influence, and longer term, if unchecked, for the economy and national security. 28:53 He says the enablers of this are any MPs or ministers that allow the failure of integrity to go unchecked. 29:01 Yeah, enablers. 29:03 Every one of those nodding dogs that troop out on television to defend the indefensible. 29:08 Oh, the Prime Minister has made it very clear, they say. 29:12 What the public really wants to know is this, that and the other, they say. And each and every one of them... 29:19 The latest route over Partygate came just 48 hours after new evidence suggested that the Prime Minister misled the public over his role prioritising the evacuation of animals from Afghanistan last year. He previously denied any involvement. And you only know that the bodge has done something when he categorically denies that he's done it. Correct. 29:40 The Prime Minister also found himself embroiled in a scandal over private donors financing a lavish refurbishment of his private Downing Street flat. 29:50 And lavish means both expensive and hideous. 29:55 And last year, the government tried to abolish a standards watchdog which had recommended mild sanctions against a Tory MP who broke lobbying rules. You know, what do you do if your standards watchdog tries to uphold standards? 30:08 Be better? 30:10 Act more ethically? 30:12 Negative. 30:12 Of course not. 30:14 If your standards watchdog tries to uphold standards, simply get rid of the watchdog. 30:21 Problem solved. A bodge. 30:23 I can't comment on that. 30:26 Dr Sam Power, a lecturer in corruption analysis at the Anti-Corruption Centre, said Johnson's reckless approach to the rules is in part baked into his wider electoral appeal, but his standing is now damaged beyond repair with the British people. 30:41 To many, the joke simply isn't funny anymore. 30:44 If it ever really was. 30:46 Yeah. 30:48 The joke's not funny anymore. The king is naked. 30:51 Put it away, Bodge. Even Carrie doesn't want to see that. Disgusting. Awful. 30:58 The most corrupt government since the Second World War. 31:01 Now, that doesn't necessarily mean that we had a more corrupt government during or before the Second World War. It's just that that's the point at which they were leaping from. 31:10 This government that we've got right now. 31:13 Experts have warned that Boris Johnson's administration is more corrupt than any UK government since the Second World War. 31:25 And what are police officers doing about it? Absolutely nothing. 31:31 This is priceless. This came out today. 31:34 Police officers could boost their productivity, if allowed, to take naps. You know, I think having read the news that the police are on a permanent nap break. 31:46 Sergeant Zoe Wakefield, chairman of the Hampshire Police Federation, said that while allowing officers to sleep on duty would be a brave step... 31:54 It could also reduce tiredness among members of the force, improve overall well-being and boost performance. Boost performance. Wow. 32:03 Well, Hampshire police could give tips on boosting performance to the London Med police because at the moment they seem to be totally engaged in boosting the dear leader. 32:14 Sergeant Zoe Wakefield, who has spent 21 years working 24-hour shift patterns, told The Telegraph, you have this constant fatigue and you feel tired all the time. It affects cognitive function. The long-term health effects are well documented. You feel like you're never quite with it. Even on your rest days, she says, you just feel like you've never sufficiently recovered to keep your concentration levels going. And you never really sleep well. 32:37 A lot of people are only getting an average of four or five hours sleep, even when they're not working, she says. 32:42 Yeah, that's right. 32:44 As Steve Allen will tell you, those screwed up sleeping patterns just make you grumpy. Maybe that's why Steve Allen is so grumpy. Get Steve Allen on the phone. 32:56 Well, just wake him up. 33:00 Concerns about officers' sleep patterns and their ability to do their jobs effectively have previously been raised. Yeah, no kidding. 33:07 We've all been raising them at the tops of our voices for about two years now, but Bodger seems immune to the police person's attention. Maybe Cressida Dick needs to take a nap. 33:17 It might boost her performance. 33:20 It's probably illegal to say that. 33:25 In 2015, a study was published by Third Pillar of Health. They found widespread tiredness, fatigue and stress across six police forces in England, which explains a lot. 33:35 As the force provide a 24-hour service, do they? 33:39 I mean, I know that technically they do, but actually, do they really? 33:44 Officers can expect to work early, late and night shifts, as well as working on the weekends and bank holidays. Because, you know, criminals don't take breaks either. 33:53 And they never know when Bodger will get into another scrape that the police will be required to cover up. Always on alert. 34:01 Having a good sleep pattern is as important as diet and exercise when it comes to being healthy, experts say. It helps to improve mood, brain function and overall physical health. 34:12 Most adults need at least seven hours of sleep each night or more. 34:16 I'm asleep right now, as a matter of fact. 34:20 Power napping. 34:22 How's my performance? Dreadful. Awful. 34:28 Yeah, I'll do that right now. 34:35 Just immediately after I do the Lord's Prayer. 34:39 Kevin tweets, Yeah, another one of these cultists. He's made a decision. 34:50 Based on no information of any kind whatsoever, other than Boris told him that, you know, there's some foreigners coming who want to take your biscuits. 35:01 And he's digging his heels in ever further. I mean, I know he's kind of, sort of joking, but not really. 35:07 I bet. 35:09 Can't wait to vote for him again, because that's really, that'll be really one in the eye for the Liberals. 35:16 That's where we're at. It's kind of depressing, really, that we're so... We've been quite efficiently divided by very smart people using algo rhythms. Affirmative. And to such an extent now that we don't care what our decisions do to our lives just as long as they discomfort the opposition. 35:44 The Liberals... 35:46 If the liberals are annoyed about something, then whatever it is, even if it is ruining our lives personally, we're all for it. 35:55 And by we, I mean, you know, the right-wing cultists, the fans of the regime. 36:01 They can lose their money and they can lose their jobs and they can lose their health and they can lose their future. None of that makes any difference whatsoever, as long as the liberals are annoyed. That's all that matters. 36:12 Karen texts, let's hope that Root & Tootin redirects Bodge's flight to Serbia and leaves him outside in his awful jogging kit. 36:24 Colin says, my local MP is Rishi Sunak. Please can I have another? Well, did you keep the receipt? 36:30 Let's have Vancouver. Hello, Nick. 36:34 Oh, hi there. 36:35 I think you're being unfair casting up the bush. 36:39 Boris is running away to the Ukraine trying to hide. I think it's quite obvious. It's a perfect opportunity for him to dress up as a soldier. Yeah, no doubt. 36:49 That's precisely what he'll do. 36:52 He'll be riding around at the top of a tank wearing a military man's uniform. That's what this is about. 36:59 It'll be another Thatcher photo op all over again. I can remember vividly her doing the exact same thing. 37:07 Maybe he'll even have a little white scarf to wear. 37:12 Or to wave. I watched Threads last night on YouTube just to remind myself of how bad things are about to get. Threads. 37:21 Threads. Remember that one about the nuclear war by BBC? It's considered the grimmest, most horrific film ever made. 37:29 No, I did not. I don't think I've ever even heard of it. Threads. 37:35 How old is that? 37:36 What happens when a nuclear bomb hits Sheffield? 37:39 Anything good? 37:41 Not really, no. 37:43 Other than, you know, a direct hit on Sheffield can't be all bad, let's be honest. 37:50 OK, all right, there's something to look forward to. Forthcoming attractions. Thanks a lot, Nick. 37:55 A direct hit on Sheffield. That sounds like a good idea. 38:00 Who's with me? Hands in the air. 38:04 Tom tweets, stop whining about how many texts and tweets you get. It's payback for all the time you spend on Twitter. And besides, it's the modern way, Grandad. 38:14 Wow. Well, that sat me back in my chair. 38:18 Thanks a lot, Tom. 38:22 I've been neglecting Twitter. Normally I spend, what, seven, eight hours a day on Twitter. 38:29 Way too long. Now I'm obsessed with something else. Wordle. 38:33 Very, very easy today. Too easy, in fact. I wanted something a little bit more challenging. I suppose it just depends, doesn't it? Like one day, the first word that you put in will glean you lots of letters, and you can get it on the very next go. 38:50 Other days, you're just looking at it perplexed, confused. 38:55 Not today. A little bit too easy for me. 38:59 A matter of luck, no doubt. 39:03 Or I'm just a raving genius. One of the two. 39:07 Regent's Park. Hello, Vance. 39:09 Hello, Nick. Vance. 39:10 Thank you, as usual, for keeping me sane. Thank you. 39:13 Thank you. 39:14 You're welcome. Nick, you remember last Saturday in my call, I said that I was very sceptical that the Cray Report would be available to us in any form soon. Ever. Ever. And, of course, this trip to Eastern Europe and Ukraine is a passive excuse for him to run away from it. Yes, he's running away again. I bet you he's timing his exit from Britain about one hour before the grey report is due to land on his desk. Then he'll scoot off to Eastern Europe and put on battle dogs. 39:47 He'll be the new Churchill. He'll come back, he'll go straight to Chequers, and he won't actually get to read the report until sometime in February. 39:56 Oh, he'll read it, all right. It's just that we won't. 39:58 But we weren't, exactly. And, you know, on that, OK, the Met inquiry, Nick, is going to take months. 40:08 You know, they've got to go through, what, 100, 200 people who were variously at the various parties. They've got to interview them all and then interview them again after they've interviewed them. Right. Cross-reference, put it into their crumblingly slow computer system, which needs to be updated. we're not going to hear about this until April, until Easter. Does that sound like a coincidence to you? 40:35 Absolutely not. 40:38 Absolute plan. Two other things... I bet, well, before you get to your two other things... 40:44 I bet that once the Sue Gray report, which has been buried by this new police investigation, I bet after the police investigation is concluded and they're about to release the police investigation report, that there will be a parliamentary investigation, which means that they won't be able to release the police report. And this is going to go on for the rest of our lives. 41:01 Yes, absolutely. Yes, at least until the end of the year anyway. And by then we'll be thinking about something else. 41:07 Yeah. 41:11 Thinking about picking through the irradiated heap that used to be London or wherever it is that you live. 41:18 Yes. You wanted a word to describe the way he's getting out of things. You didn't say escapologist. What about illusionist would that do? 41:28 He's a... Oh, God, now I've forgotten this word as well. He's a prestidigitator. 41:34 Ah, yes, a magician. Prestidigitator. Yeah, very good. And just now, one of your callers said that he studied history. He didn't, actually. No, he didn't. 41:47 He studied fairy stories. 41:49 He deliberately studied ancient Greek and Roman literature. Yeah, nonsense. And he didn't study classics because that was a more difficult curriculum. 41:59 He wasted his time, at least three, if not four years, studying fairy stories, like children's stories about gods. 42:07 Gods and goddesses and mumps and things like that. 42:09 And all that nonsense. I mean, what kind of a person wastes their time doing that other than somebody who is so rich, who feels so entitled that they know that they will never actually have to do anything for a living because life will be handed to them on a plate. 42:25 Yep. 42:26 And the sooner we all realise that, the better. 42:28 Yeah. Well, I think the crow is coming home to roost. 42:35 Or something like that. All right, thanks a lot, Vance. Cheers, mate. 0345 6060 973. 42:44 Have you bought a bong lately? Have you got any idea how much a bong costs? 42:51 I'll talk about that in a minute. 42:54 Because these people, they just keep calling me. 42:57 Rotherham. Hello, Stephen. 42:59 Hello. Hello. 43:02 How are you? I'm great, mate. How are you? Great stuff. Great show. Thanks. 43:07 Yeah, basically, I've listened to a lot of people that's been on here about Boris Johnson and, you know, all the videos and everything evidence. 43:21 The shenanigans. 43:23 Yeah, but how can the people that's been on your show defend him? 43:30 and said that he were right when there's evidence there to show he were wrong. 43:35 Stephen, you have to understand that we are surrounded by morons. 43:40 Well, I do. 43:42 Yeah, I do. 43:44 But it's getting a bit long-winded now, isn't it? It's going on a bit too long, yeah. I mean, what have we done to deserve this? 43:53 I don't know. It's like, you know, we've all followed the code and everything, haven't we? 43:59 Yeah. 44:00 You know, or tried to. Oh, I know I have. You know? 44:03 Yeah. 44:03 Yeah. And I have, like, I've been abroad a couple of times. What? 44:08 I've been abroad a couple of times. Where did you go? 44:11 Benidorm. Benidorm. How was that? 44:14 Yeah, the happy place. 44:17 Was it? 44:18 Yeah. I bet you were the only person there. No, no, I were there for October for my birthday, and Christmas New Year was great, and I booked again for St. Patrick's Day. 44:33 Ah, so all of the birthdays, essentially, your birthday, Jesus' birthday, St. Patrick's birthday? 44:39 Everybody's birthday. 44:42 And that's what I'm trying to say, it's everybody's birthday. 44:46 Now, why do you keep going back to Benidorm? Other places are available, you know. 44:50 I have. I've been. 44:54 I've been in Tenerife, Canada, Las Vegas. I've been all over. 45:00 Here, there, and everywhere, maybe. 45:02 Yeah, but, well, I'm a construction worker, work away from home, like. Oh, absolutely made of money. 45:09 There's cash pouring into. A whole lorryful of cash pouring through your front door. Not as much as you, fella. 45:16 LAUGHTER No, no, what I'm saying is, like, is coming back to Boris again, to be serious. Yes. 45:26 You know, the world's leaders, I know he's taking off to Ukraine and all that now, but the world's leaders, I mean, if I go for an interview, yeah, I expect to be dressed well and well-groomed. 45:44 Yeah. 45:46 You know, so they can get a prescriptive or whatever it is like. Yeah. 45:51 They can see who it is that they're talking to, what you're about. 45:55 Yeah, but when he turns up with his shirt hanging out, he's there like an explosion and all that. How can you take the guy seriously? 46:05 You know, I just can't understand how you can take that guy's theories. 46:10 Well, it's his act. It's been working for him since he was a child, which is why he has not changed either the act or the way he looks since he was a child. 46:19 Yes, but... People warm to it. They forgive him everything because they look at him and think, oh, yeah, he can't dress himself. Aww. And that's people's reaction. He knows it. 46:31 Yeah, but the only thing, the make-up that is missing... It's a big red nose. 46:38 A big red nose? 46:39 Yeah. 46:41 It's a clown, isn't it? Oh, I see. Oh, a big red nose. You see, I went straight to... Booze. Like I've been drinking too much. 46:51 But the clown nose, right, I get you. 46:53 He has done a bit too much. 46:55 A little bit too much of that, perhaps, yeah, for somebody in his position. Suitcases full, I heard. 47:01 Thanks for my call anyway, like, so I wish everybody who listens to your programme all the best. 47:08 Well, that's very cooperative and pleasant of you. 47:12 Yeah, all the best, like, you know, and don't believe every word that that man says. 47:17 Don't believe any word that that man says. 47:20 Okay. Would be better. All right, thanks a lot, Stephen. I'll see you at the airport. Let's get out of here. 47:26 And on that very good plan, that's it. 47:30 If you subscribe to this podcast, the next episode will get squirted up your life as though by magic on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And those are the same days that the podcast that I do with Carol McGiffin comes out. It's called What's Your Problem with Nick and Carol? In which Carol McGiffin and I try to solve people's problems while guffawing like seals. If you've got a problem, issue, conundrum, something like that, then simply send it to the following address, nickandcarolatglobal.com, N-I-C-K-A-N-D-C-A-R-O-L, at global, dot com, and prepare to be totally satisfied. 48:04 Ask for it by name, on the internet near you, what's your problem with Nick and Carol? And now there is Nick Abbott, The Whole Show Plus, which is our offering, which gives you the Friday and Saturday shows as podcasts, advert-free, plus an extra show in which I wipe up all of the messages that I couldn't get through on Friday and Saturday, plus all the news stories that I didn't have time for over the weekend. That becomes available on Mondays. 48:34 Plus, you get a newsletter straight into your inbox on Fridays, which wipes up the week's news and launches us into the weekend's shows. It's called Nick Abbott The Whole Show Plus. It's on Global Player and the new LBC app. And I think you'll love it. 48:51 And I'll be back on the radio Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. And until then, I'll be seeing you. Bye-bye. 48:58 This has been a Global Production.